I took a quiz in college called, "What kind of angry black woman are you?" I got Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale. It said I typically bottle so much up (because I am not a fan of conflict) until I explode. And then I burn your stuff (totally kidding). I do my best to be amiable and not make waves.
When I left my last job, it was because I was so overwhelmed and unhappy I was literally crying on Sundays. When I talked to my regional director about why I was leaving, she expressed disappointment in me that I allowed the situation to go on so long and never let her know how unhappy I was. She asked that in my future jobs I learn to express myself and better advocate for myself.
Flash forward to present day. I started a new job this August. Being the "newbie", my staff decided to try to impose things on me that I felt were very unfair. I am such a people pleaser that had they been honest, I probably would have done it anyway; however, I felt they tried to use my new status against me and manipulate me into a situation that I did not think was not fair nor beneficial to the organization as whole (and maybe a little ego in there since I knew they were pulling my arm). Initially, I was prepared to take a "L" for the team; but I remembered my goal going into this job was to speak up. So I did. During a leadership meeting I expressed why I thought what was being proposed was not a good idea. I did that by providing examples of my work, my job description, and statements from other staff members of why my services were needed in the capacity I was delivering them.
After the meeting, I had a staff member come to me and state in a demeaning manner that in all of her years at this job, she has never seen anyone bring their job description to a meeting, maybe out of fear of losing their job. She then questioned me about the amount of time needed for my job and I was informed that maybe some of my job duties needed to be cut because clearly I was "doing too much" if I thought that was being asked of me would interfere with my program. Initially, I felt awful about the perception that my speaking up for myself resulted in from that meeting. I even cried. Prior to that meeting, I struggled with whether or not I would say anything because I did not want to be perceived as "rude", "entitled", "a brat", or most importantly, "not a team player". I only decided to speak up after realizing that the work I do matters to the kids I advocate for and placing me in a role that does not service them in that capacity defeats what I go to work everyday to do. That meeting left me feeling unappreciated, disrespected, and like all the work I had done to create a better climate in that organization was in vain.
While deep in my feelings, I thought about how many times in life I did not speak up because I did not want to come across as "difficult". In previous relationships, in other jobs, in life period. I realized that maybe one reason depression is so prevalent in America is because we do not advocate for the life we should have! Everyday I go to work to advocate for children, yet here I am crying because I made a decision to advocate for myself! Too often we are told we should be grateful to have the jobs we have, have the significant others we have, have the freedoms we have. While humility is everything, sometimes it can discount how grateful someone should be for YOU and displaces your own value. Yes, I am grateful to have someone who loves me unconditionally, but does that mean I have to settle for cheating, infidelity, lies, and abuse? Yes I am grateful to have a job, but is it worth it if I die at 35 because I am so stressed out my blood pressure can not handle it or it requires so much of my time that my spouse leaves me and my kids do not know who I am and all the while my bills aren't paid?
So many times we are afraid to speak up or advocate for ourselves because we want to be perceived a certain way or are scared of the potential outcomes. Yet the happiest of people are the ones who see something they do not like and take a stand instead of being complacent for the sake of being grateful for a given opportunity. They recognize when the opportunity no longer benefits their greater goal and advocate for something that does.
You never see Beyonce settling. She has the same hours in a day as us, true. But the difference is, she is not scared to try something different and does not care if the masses like it or not. She takes chances. She speaks up for herself and does not allow anyone to tell her she "should be grateful and accept whatever life throws at her", her father included, whom she fired even though he was essential in building her empire. Oprah did not go on to own her OWN network (pun totally intended) and recently break viewership records by delivering three of the networks most watched shows by accepting feedback from her supervisors that she felt was not beneficial to herself. In fact, when she was starting out, someone told her she did not have "the look" of a tv personality. She advocated for herself, quit that job when it no longer served to advance her career (even though they gave her her start), and went on to host her own show and then quit production at that network to run her self titled network!
No, we are not all multi-millionaires who can afford the risks these women take. But we can afford to take our own risks. We can voice our expectations in that relationship. If he does not like them, he can leave(or better yet, YOU should). I promise you there is a man out there willing to give you what he does not want to give you (unless you are married in which case this does not apply). If it is a job, you can always find another one. I left a job I worked eight years when I started crying every Sunday night. I took a significant pay cut. Initially, I was worried that I would not be able to make ends meet; however I simply adjusted my lifestyle accordingly and actually came out in a better position financially plus I was happy and had more time for my family! We all know far too well life is so short. People are dying every day from traffic stops gone wrong, stress related illnesses, and unexpected accidents. We all deserve to be happy. The biggest thing I have learned is corporations do not care about your happiness. Neither does the next person if it comes at the expense of their own. We have to do a better job at being protectors of our mental spaces. If something is not satisfying you, it is your job to advocate for yourself regardless of what others may think. If they show they do not respect you nor care about you as a person, then it is time to make some serious decisions and possibly some serious moves. You can always get another mate. You can always get another job. There will always only be one you. Make your life count.
