Loyalty. Everyone wants it, but how many of us are willing to give it? Chris Brown so eloquently let us know who is and isn't loyal. I originally had the idea for this post from watching the first season of Insecure (spoiler alert!!!). We saw Issa ride for Lawrence, although she complained heavily, for four years while he tried to figure out his career ambitions or lack thereof. While babysitting her sofa and playing video games all day, I honestly can not remember if she came home to dinner on the table or a bubble bath. I DO remember him totally forgetting her birthday. Like, come on bruh! You don’t have a job or anything else to do with your day, and you can’t remember a birthday? You had one job..then again.. I digress there.
Frustrated, instead of communicating with Lawrence or taking time off of the relationship to figure it out, Issa does the ultimate NoNo a woman can do to a man…she cheats. From there, Lawrence does what many men do…leaves and bangs the woman who was gassing his head up (who doesn’t know him past his checks he deposits and withdraws so her two cents really should go back into someone else’s account). This lead to a huge discussion about loyalty in my mind. I could not understand how Issa was there for Lawrence in his imperfections, yet for Lawrence, staying to work it out was not even an option.
My thoughts of loyalty and expectations returned after watching another very popular show, Power. We have watched Tasha St. Patrick stick by her husband’s side for 3.5 seasons now. Even though he had a quite lengthy affair (3.5 seasons long) and several times made plans to leave her and even had her kids at his other woman’s home while he ran out looking for Tommy, whenever the ish hit the fan (which was very often), Tasha ALWAYS had James’s back. Even when his mistress was convinced he murdered another cop and tried to lock him up for life AND flip Tasha, she still had his back. Even after he told her she "only had one job!" seeing after Tyreke even though the lie detector test determined that was false due to her trying to hold his mess together too and keep him out of jail AND telling her "I didn't leave the kids! I left you!", social media went INSANE when she started messing with someone who actually wanted her. Nevermind he was her husband's lawyer. That's neither here nor there...
I know I often relate these fictional shows to real life, but I do feel there is a lesson to be learned in these stories. The lesson is unwavering loyalty should be a gift, freely but cautiously given, without expectations. I have been reminded of the numerous times I gave my all to others and sacrificed, more times than not, pieces of myself to provide loyalty. I have been met with the disappointment that comes when the shoe is on the other foot and the recipient of my loyalty gave that loyalty to someone else. Those experiences were incredibly hurtful and hard to bounce back from. They left me feeling empty, bitter, unvalued, and at times pretty low.
I have had to remind myself that my loyalty was my choice just like someone else’s is their choice. I made the decision to go all in for this person and support them come what may. I cannot get mad that their choice was not the same. I had to move from being a victim to a victor. I could choose to focus on what I did not get from the person and be bitter, or look at it as my choice to be a giver and move forward when someone does not choose to give to me.
A real life example is Tiny and T.I. So many were upset (me included) when he said that marriage is a distraction. One person even took to social media to say he wasn’t distracted when she took a charge for him, raised his kids and held down the home when he was locked up, and when she supported him before he became “T.I.”. And while I do agree to a certain extent, at the end of the day those were all choices she made. She could have at any moment said, “this is too much. I am not going to do this”. But she did not. She chose to stay. Meanwhile he chose to not honor her commitment in the same way.
Something else I was forced to think about was patterns of behavior. Realistically, there are usually signs of storms brewing. I noticed that when I was busy giving loyalty freely like my name was Oprah Winfrey (you get a loyal chick! You get a loyal chick!), I did not pay attention to the fact that the people getting it were in fact not very loyal to me. Whether it was prioritizing other people and events ahead of me consistently, not being there when they said they would, being flaky with phone calls, or even blatant cheating, the signs were always there. The same can be said for all the shows mentioned. A man who is content with sitting on the couch playing games all day while his woman struggles to provide isn’t loyal. A man who so easily and willingly walks away from his family (excuse me, his wife because he made it clear he did not leave the family, he left HER) clearly isn’t loyal.
This post is by no means to excuse people’s hurtful actions in relationships. It is the opposite, to encourage healing. So many of us, like these characters, exert so much effort and energy into “riding” for people who, if we are honest with ourselves, won’t do it for us if the shoe is on the other foot. True healing begins when we are honest enough with ourselves to acknowledge where we dropped the ball. We have to be more selective and aware (and stingy) with our gift of loyalty. We have to pay attention to the signs. We have to give without expectation. That way when it isn’t reciprocated, the blow won’t be as harsh. We have to learn what to look for moving forward and take ownership in our healing. That way we may be a little bent, but nonetheless, not broken.
