By now we are all aware that 50% of marriages end in divorce. While that deters many from the holy sacrament, there are still millions of people who willingly make this commitment. We all enter the union hoping to beat the statistic or maybe some of us enter not really thinking about the statistic at all. Unfortunately at one point or another, life eventually happens and most couples are faced with a decision: Til death do us part or Til paper do us part?
Much research has been done on what it takes to make a successful marriage. In my research (which is purely theoretical and totally unfounded based purely on observations of married people I know in reality or on television), I have found several factors lacking in marriages of today’s society. Due to limited time and attention span, I will share eight of these with you today.
A thorough understanding of God’s concept for marriage. We all know that marriage is ordained by God. Yet many of us get married and stay married without seeking God’s word about marriage. I know personally when my husband and I hit a crisis in our marriage I turned to counselors and friends and relatives. Yet nothing made a difference until I got into the word of God and studied His vision for marriage and read His definition for love and became diligent and intentional in my prayers for my marriage. It is so crazy because common sense tells us that if we invest in stocks without researching the market we will most likely be wasting our money. We do not venture into careers without first getting an education or training. Yet so many of us marry without learning God’s design for marriage and then wonder why hell consistently breaks loose in our marriage.
Protection We learned in proverbs that “He who finds a wife finds a good thing”. And generally when we have valuable good things we protect them. We do not leave them lying around and we get insurance on them and keep them safe from everyday wear and tear. Often times in our relationships, we neglect to do that for our significant other. We get so caught up in having our own lives and day to day tasks that we forget the enemy (and certain people) want to destroy our good thing. We forget that we need to guard our hearts against things (and people) who turn them from our spouse, we need to protect our mate’s feelings by not being overly critical or overbearing, and be present with our mate as not to leave room for outside distractions to come in and destroy what we are building.
Friendship. I have heard of many couples who got together because of passion. The problem with that is passion is fleeting. What happens when father time packs on the pounds and your spouse is no longer attractive? According to statistics half people don’t stick around. And that is probably because they had nothing else there. Friendship is essential to a healthy marriage (once again founded in my theoretical research based on reality, tv, and well, reality tv). One of the best parts of marriage is having someone who understands and loves you as you are. Who challenges you to be better that you can talk to and experience life with. Which brings me to my next point.
Novelty. I read an article somewhere one time (aha! Empirical research!) that stated that when you experience something new and pleasing with a person, it rewires your brain to have positive feelings towards the person. When you get married it is so easy to get caught up in the routine of day to day life that you lose that and your marriage can get caught in a slump, causing your heart to harden against your spouse or causing you to seek that excitement elsewhere. It is so important that every couple learn to carve out that time to create positive memories with their spouse to help prevent that slump from occurring and keep the sparks flying.
Teamwork. Lawd knows my hubby and I have had our struggle in this area. I cannot recount how many times I have vented to friends and counselors about issues we were having and they would all say, “It sounds like you all have the same goals, but just working towards them differently”. The thing was, we were so busy working as competitors to achieve the same goal that we were killing our marriage. A successful marriage is comprised of two people who understand they are working towards the same goal and strategize TOGETHER about how to achieve it. Other than Kobe Bryant, no one can carry an entire team by himself. And even all his skills did not carry Kobe far OFF the court.
Intimacy. And when I say intimacy I do not mean sex. I know lots of couples who have sex (and non-couples) just to have sex and there is no intimacy there at all! When you go on dictionary.com, intimacy is described as “a close familial and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person”. Intimacy is generally expressed by listening, showing kindness, and loving your spouse in his/her love language and stepping outside of your selfish self even when you do not want to or your mate may not necessarily deserve it. Which is so easy to do in the beginning of a marriage. But realistically, over time we lose the desire to be intimate once hurt and disappointment enter the picture. Especially when the hurt and disappointment hits back to back like large waves engulfing you in the middle of the ocean. Which is why it is SO IMPERATIVE to have…….
Grace. Outside of God, this is a major necessity I have noticed is missing from so many marriages (at times mine included). God provides the marriage for dummies guide. Grace provides the means. Too often in marriage we get caught up in our expectations and how we view the world and how our spouse “should be” that we neglect to see them who they are. Or when we do we decide who they are is not good enough for us. We forget that we are ALL works in progress and have to develop into our purpose. Can you imagine if God loves us as we love our spouses? Making mistakes and God withholding His love from us. Making us EARN his forgiveness. Wanting to leave us because we are not growing fast enough for him? That is not a life I want. Yet often times I hold my hubby to this ridiculous standard and forget that he will never be perfect. Or maybe I don’t forget but simply don’t care. Either way a marriage lacking grace is destined to require two signatures: the judge presiding over the divorce and the ULTIMATE judge who will want to know why we expect him to pardon us of our sins when we couldn’t even pardon the one person we vowed forever to.
Forgiveness. This one ties into the grace but yet I felt a need to elaborate a little more. I know so many who verbalize forgiveness (I’m looking in a mirror as I type this), yet whose actions show totally different. Past transgressions are brought up to prove the spouse is undeserving, tasks you used to do to honor your spouse have ceased, and where joy used to live bitterness now resides. Genuine love keeps no records of wrongs. Forgiveness does not free the transgressor, it frees the hurt party. Harboring resentment builds a prison for not only your spouse but you as well and your marriage slowly dies in the cell because it does not have what it needs to grow.
