One of my greatest pet peeves out of thousands (follow this blog long enough and I am sure you will learn them all) is when people are judged for co-sleeping. I personally did not anticipate co-sleeping either. As a matter of fact, I did not even want a bassinet in my room! I felt my husband and I would still be newlyweds when we welcomed our son and I wanted to be able to….well….you know….live like newlyweds! I also did not want the hassle of breaking my baby from my room later in life. My son, as he tends to, had other plans.
I was going to start off with the first night home but as I type, I think his conspiracy to take over my bed started at the hospital. After a grueling 23 hours of labor, 14 without an epidural, mama was tied. Not tired, but tied. Young thug daughter tied if you know what I mean. So I sent him to the nursery for one night of sleep. Around 2a.m. the nurse comes rolling him in the room saying he was hungry; however, as I attempted to nurse, he refused. I told the nurse to just leave him alone and he instantly went back to sleep. My baby knew then his preference was under mommy. So fast forward to night one at home and my husband and I took turns until 5am putting this little one in his own bed until finally I gave him. “Dude I just want to sleep!” I remember telling my hubby. And the rest is history.
Of course co-sleeping for 15+ months came with backlash. “You have that baby in the bed with y’all still?” “He is never going to learn to self-soothe!” “You will sleep so much better once you get that baby out of your bed!” So like I do with everything else people tell me is wrong, I googled! And I learned! The primary thing I learned in my research supported what I learned as time evolved: either my baby is the exception to every rule, or co-sleeping is actually more beneficial than harmful when practiced safely.
Myth #1 “That is dangerous! He can die or get hurt!”
Although it CAN be dangerous, it is actually more helpful than harmful. It becomes dangerous when mommy has been drinking or using drugs (then again what doesn’t?), if baby becomes overheated, suffocates under covers or pillows, or falls out of the bed and harms him/self. The only of these I experienced was the falling out of the bed once when he woke up and crawled out the bed (he was on daddy’s watch that night) but I did not sleep with any tables or anything around the bed so he was not hurt.
Research from the Denham University, UK and Notre Dame go on to show that breastfeeding mothers actually create a safe space in the crook of their arm for baby and baby’s head gravitates towards the boob, preventing mommy from rolling over on baby and daddy from rolling on baby. Co-sleeping also helps prevent SIDS in that baby’s breathing tends to match mommy’s breathing to stabilize breathing and since sleeping together, it is easily recognized when baby is having difficulties breathing. Knowing these things, I helped to create a safe sleeping environment for my little one by not putting him under covers when we slept and sleeping without pillows until he got older. Sure it was uncomfortable for me, but it was worth it to have him feel secure at night.
Myth #2 “You will sleep so much better once he is out of your bed!”
Well, we have started transitioning baby to his big boy bed in his big boy room, and as of today I can say I actually sleep LESS. I am anticipating him waking up crying although the few times we have attempted he does not, and I am full of nerves making sure he is comfortable and nothing goes wrong. In addition to that, while breastfeeding, it was so easy to pop my boob in his mouth and we both go back to sleep. It was so much better than getting up, getting out of the bed, walking down the hall, shushing him, walking back to my room, and trying to fall asleep again.
Myth #3 “He will never learn to self soothe and will be codependent on you!”
The research actually says different. According to healthychild.com, babies who co-sleep are more likely to be independent and feel more confident to explore the world because the connection that co-sleeping brings tends to promote higher self-esteem in kids and increased life satisfaction. By responding to baby’s needs, you are teaching them empathy and meeting their needs immediately provides security for the baby. I also want to add here that I have been out of town without my little one a few times and the reports that come back to me are always positive. He sleeps well with others, as a toddler he does not like to be held all day, and he enjoys exploring his surroundings and learning to do things for himself.
On another note, I can talk about my issues with “self-soothing” all day so I will try to keep it as short as I can. My perspective is a child spends nine months in your womb. They are then brutally pushed into this world where they have to DEPEND on other individuals to meet their needs. And before they have had more time outside the womb than in you want them to “cry it out” and learn to sooth themselves and sleep alone. Sheesh! Then we wonder why our kids grow up to lack compassion and empathy! In addition to that, anytime one cries for prolonged periods of time, your heart rate elevates and you get stressed and headaches. So when people suggest I put my son in a room and let him cry himself to sleep and pat him occasionally, are they suggesting I be content with watching my son stroke out? Because I am NOT ok with that. He has his whole life to learn to self sooth. He can practice that after he learns his name. Or to say mama. Or hold his head up maybe? I don’t know but I do know I have issues with teaching a defenseless individual “self soothe” and “be independent” when he is still adjusting with his surroundings outside of the space he spent nine months being accustomed to.
Myth #4 “You never get that baby out of your bed!”
Well, I cannot attest to this one fully yet because at 15 months, we have JUST started working on this one. I can say that night #1, he slept in his bed the whole night without waking once. Night #2 he did wake up around 2am. I do not think this was attributed to our co-sleeping, but rather the fact that he is a baby and that is what they do. I personally think that when the child is ready, you will know and it will not be a knock down fight. I also think that as a child’s comprehension increases, so will their desire to sleep alone. And it will not take forever according to mothers I know who co-slept and whose kids are now sleeping independently.
Myth #5 “Your sex life will take a hit!”
Let’s be completely honest here. Your sex life DEFINITELY takes a hit after a new baby but it has nothing to do with where the baby sleeps! It is due to factors such as adjustment and lack of sleep (which is worse when you have a newborn yelling all night or you are up and down all night walking room to room *insert cup of tea here and I will sip it), as well as hormones and many other factors. So to put it on baby is completely unfair. You just have to learn to be creative! I am quite sure if you are old enough to have a child you are old enough to admit that the bed is not the ONLY place sex occurs. Having a baby in the bed actually makes sex more exciting because you have to be more creative with places to have it!
Dee’s final thoughts:
When I reflect on my reasons for not wanting to co-sleep, I realize that they all were selfish. My son is so amazing because he came into this world and showed me that everything I thought I knew, I really do not. He challenged my views on so many things and for that I am grateful. I cannot say that co-sleeping has made him this positive, take life (and the dog’s tail) by the horns, adventure lover, and happy boy. But what I can say is that co-sleeping did not prevent him from being the amazing little person he is. For more information on co-sleeping safely feel free to check out http://cosleeping.nd.edu/safe-co-sleeping-guidelines/.
So many times in life, I have modified myself. I modify myself to present myself to get a job when I pretend I want what the company wants. I have modified myself for relationships to get and or keep the man. I have even modified myself in friendships and in my family to fit in. And it has never been worth it.
Keep reading to see how I learned the importance of being unapologetically me.