I love my husband. Immensely. Words on this computer could not give insight as to the depths of my soul that this love reaches. I hear songs that make me blush thinking of him. I love watching sappy romantic comedies that make me think about him. Some mornings, I lay on his pillow covered in his must (not Musk) just to breathe his scent. Stalkerish and crazy maybe but hey. He is my hubby. Although my feelings run so deep, there are times they run just as deep….the opposite direction.
There are days I love nothing more than being in his presence and there are also days I do not want to be around him. BUT once I am able to work through those intense feelings, I usually find myself happy that I did because they make me appreciate the love feelings that much more. Unfortunately, working through those difficult feelings and emotions are not always easy, but I would love to share some of the things that help me cope when my feelings are not so pleasant towards my significantly significant other.
Get a Hobby. I do not know many couples who have been married several years; however, the few I do emphasize the importance of this. I had someone tell me whenever she and her husband were in turmoil, she went shopping! While that may not work for everyone, in fact, it can cause MORE issues, the premise is there. Sometimes we allow our significant other’s emotions to overwhelm us or we lose control of our own and need a moment to regroup. So maybe a work out can help to relieve the stress. Or if you have the money shopping. I do not so I enjoy a target run to look at makeup or experimenting with my hair or even cooking a different meal. By the time I do those things, I am in a better mental state and am better able to be pleasant to my husband when he is not so pleasant to me.
Sleep. My son is such a happy baby. He is always dancing and smiling and laughing. BUT. All caps because it is a HUGE BUT. I am sure most moms can finish this statement so I do not have to. Once he wakes up though, he is back to being mommy’s sweet boy. I have found this works with me and my husband. So many articles and counselors will tell you not to let the sun go down on your anger, and while that may work for some, it does not to me. The sleepier I am, the less likely I am to love my husband when he is difficult (or the more likely I am to be difficult). I have found that one thing that DOES work is when he annoys me, I can go to sleep and in the morning sometimes that time has allowed him to work through whatever his issue is and both he and I are pleasant again!
Re-focus. In the therapy world, we have a theory called, cognitive behavior therapy. This theory states that we think, that causes us to feel, and we feel, so we act. Generally, when my husband does or says something offensive, I think, “he is such a douche bag”. Then I feel angry. Then I respond in a very unloving way. I have been working on reframing my thoughts to, “maybe he’s having a bad day” or “that’s his issue not mine”. These thoughts make me feel ambivalent to his moods which cause me to continue to act in a loving manner towards him.
Vent. This one is tricky for several reasons, the biggest being venting to the wrong people can back fire and cause the demise of your relationship. I like to vent to people I genuinely trust, and most importantly people who respect the institution of marriage as much as I do (and won’t say things like girl get a divorce!!!!). I have found sometimes you need that sounding board. Venting to others helps me to not say to my husband the harsh words I am capable of saying that can make the situation worse. I like to vent to get it out of my system. Once I do that, I make a conscious effort to leave it there and move on. I also have a rule. No venting to more than two people. That way you are not constantly rehashing it and getting more upset about it. The goal is to let the negative actions go. Not hold on to them and fester into a grudge or screaming match later.
Pray. I intentionally left this one for last because the other actions are more important, but because it is the MOST productive thing I have found. God honors marriage. No ifs and buts. He honors it. So as a wife, if I do my part, free of expectations, I believe God will do his. I have found personally that when I vent to friends or even to my husband about annoyances, he will not change them, making me even more frustrated and less able to love him in difficult moments. I have noticed when I keep calm and remain pleasant and do my part as a wife and pray to God, there have been times my husband will come to me and apologize for actions I did not even tell him hurt or offended me. This also the main reason it is important not to be unequally yoked with someone. God cannot work on someone’s heart who does not accept him. You cannot turn someone over to God who does not know or love Him.
It is my hope that this will help someone struggling with loving someone in a season of winter where love has died and it is harvesting. Feel free to comment and share things that help you! Remember, self-love is the greater love second only to Godly love!
