As I was preparing for my blog, I looked at several first year marriage blogs. To be completely honest, I did not know whether to be turned off or feel like I need to head to divorce court! Everyone was so happy and positive and had these amazing first year experiences. Mine? Not so amazing. I think if there was one word to summarize my first year, it would be catastrophic. Or abomination. Or Apocalyptic. As a matter of fact, one word does not do my first year justice. I would have to say it was best described as Murphy’s law because EVERYTHING that could possibly go wrong within a marriage, went wrong. From severe illnesses , to post-partum depression on top of all of the typical normal adjustment things, there were many times my marriage seemed hopeless and I questioned whether or not I made the right decision.
But we made it through stronger than ever praise Jesus! We were blessed to have so many seeds of wisdom planted that imparted life altering knowledge to us that we (or at least I) did not understand in the moment. But like a puzzle, when it clicked, it totally clicked. And I am grateful. That tough year (and months that followed) served to be incredibly eye opening and was THE greatest self-discovery process for me. Something life changing our marriage counselor shared with us was the scripture that speaks of how iron sharpens iron. In those roughest of moments when things get heated, sparks will fly and the fire may get intense. Unbearable even. But once the flames cool, you have a sharper weapon. And in the passages that follow, I would love to share how I am sharper tool as a result of that awful first year.
1.) I am not the only one that knows things. Unfortunately, I tend to be a know it all. I am a very analytical person who dedicates large amounts of time to research and exploring options. So naturally, I am the best decision maker in my life. That messed me up horribly when I got married. Because it is not just MY life anymore. But OUR life. And who wants to share a life with only one good decision maker? We had so many uncalled for issues because over time I contributed to making my husband hesitant about his decision making which lead to him resenting me and me communicating to him (however unintentional) that I do not respect him or his position as the leader of our household. When I allowed myself to take a back seat and shut up and let my husband process his decision making and increase his confidence in himself, I was surprised to see just how good he is at it! And I was also able to better rest and lower my blood pressure because I learned to trust in him.
2.) I am not an all knowing sage. I can remember when my husband and I were engaged and one of my friends told me she thought we were a great couple. I questioned it and if we really had what it takes to make a marriage last (because once again I am super analytical and an over thinker). I would think to myself we fight a lot. She pointed out to me that the majority of our fights revolved around hypothetical situations that may or may not happen. This was one of those nuggets of wisdom that I did not understand until about two years after those words were spoken. There were many times in the beginning of my marriage (and sometimes even now although I am working on this) that I would think about what COULD happen or we would have a conversation about doing something. We would disagree how about it should be done or what the potential consequences would be. Then I would get so heated trying to prevent the potential consequences that it would create such a rift between my hubby and myself. And then when the actual event occurs it was nothing like I thought it would be and that whole argument was not even worth it! From that, I have learned that I am not God. I am neither omnipresent nor omnipotent so I need to just relax sometimes and let life happen as it may. And my husband and I will get through whatever. Together.
3.) I am not a Disney princess. Although there have been hardships in my life and I have overcome with much beauty and grace, my husband is not a knight in shining armor who rode in on a horse to save me from some evil villain and we will not ride off into the sunset together. There are days that he does save me from things. And there are evenings we ride in our air conditioned vehicle as the sun sets. But that is not every day. We argue. We fight. We are not in love every day. We hurt each other’s feelings. Our marriage is a journey. One that will last for the rest of our lives God willing. Every day we have to make a conscious effort to love each other and to grow together because those things do not happen naturally. But there are some days that we do not choose to do those things. And that has to be ok. Because every day is not a fairytale and I am not a Disney princess.
4.) I am insecure. I am a product of divorce. Although my parents are and amazing example of co-parents (they are still great friends to this day and wonderfully co-grandparent my son who they take turns keeping), I believe I was a little scared from the dissolution of their marriage. I hate arguments and conflict. I run from it. In the beginning, I felt like every argument we shared was a sign we were headed for divorce court. I had to be able to recognize this in myself and learn that we can not share views and have heated (respectful) arguments. I learned that in those moments, we have a choice to allow those negative moments to help us better understand one another and grow as a couple.
5.) I am not perfect. Shocking one right? But seriously. As I compiled my mile high list of why my husband was not ready to be married and how much work he needed to do in order to be a better husband, I got convicted. What about you Devonne? You nag him constantly, you are always trying to control him, and you hold grudges longer than professional swimmers can hold their breath! In that moment, I was humbled. God forgives us for so many offenses (known, unknown, and repeated). He is patient with us as we stumble through life and take our time in deciding to honor him the way he requires us to and some of us even go a lifetime loving him our own incorrect way instead of the way he lays out for us in his word. Yet his love for us never wavers. And if marriage is to be a reflection of that love, then I have failed horribly in expecting my husband in our first year, or expecting him to be perfect at all. And in that moment, it was I who needed forgiveness from him. And he offered me his grace. So who am I to not do the same for the person I chose to love for the rest of my life?
6.) I am not the best forgiver. This goes along with number 5 in that not only were my expectations for hubby unrealistic, but I often times withheld my forgiveness from him. I kept mental lists of all of his trespasses against me and was ready to throw them out at any given moment when my needs were not getting met. I felt he had to EARN my forgiveness and prove himself to me. I was wrong. I am not God and do not have some golden authority to pardon my hubby of sins. His actions are between him and God. That does not mean that he can continue to disrespect me and I just sit back like a doormat. But what it does mean is I had to learn to take his offenses against me to God and let God deal with him. That was an incredibly difficult lesson for me to learn (and I still struggle with this one; actually all of them) but I can honestly say I see a huge difference in how my husband interacts with me when he hurts me when I take it to God and let him deal with him versus when I throw fits and hold grudges.
7.) I am solely responsible for my happiness. I spent the first year of my marriage in pure turmoil waiting for my husband to do things the way I wanted them done and become who I wanted him to be so that I can be happy. As a result, the opposite happened. We were both so miserable. I felt like I married the wrong man and he felt I did too. My mom would tell me, “Happiness is a choice. Regardless of circumstances you can choose to be happy or upset all the time”. Have I mentioned yet how wise my mother is? Because she is so smart. And I think that was the most valuable thing I learned in my marriage. Once I stopped trying to control my husband and decided to love him in spite of his flaws (and appreciate him for loving me the same way) I became happy. That is not to say I am always happy. Because human nature we are two different people. There are moments I am annoyed. Or moments I bite my tongue so hard I hurt myself to not say what I am thinking. But after the moment passes, I choose to be happy again. Because I love him and I am determined that we will see forever. In order to do that, my mindset has to agree. And I have to have peace that comes not from expecting him to be perfect, but from understanding that he is not and will make mistakes and will hurt me. But I will be happy with where we are and make the most of the situation.
